Life Traps

We have begun a new study with our church  in Singapore called "Good Enough Parenting."  It's based on life-trap or schema therapy, using movie clips to augment  our understanding.  It's profound and a bit daunting to us parents to realize there are so many things we need to provide for our children so they can grow up to be healthy in mind as well as body and soul.

The basic concept is that if children do not have their core needs met, they will develop life traps that are self-defeating maladaptions that can affect the way they interact with the world for the rest of their lives.  It's like a little recording we play in our heads when triggered by an event.  For example, after being frequently berated and belittled by a parent when growing up, we would have a recording telling us we are worthless and will never amount to anything.  Then, as adults, when we find ourselves in a situation that triggers the life trap, such as having a performance review, we hear that recording.  This can be very painful, so we find a way to cope (three general styles) to avoid the pain:  we surrender by giving in and agreeing with our life trap; we avoid by finding ways to escape or block it out (binge eating, drinking, running away), or we overcompensate by doing the opposite of our life trap (such as by counterattacking).

A typical well-adjusted adult may have three or four of these life traps, but they may be set at a "low volume" and we don't find them more than slightly troubling when triggered.  But, if the recordings are set at a high volume, they will seriously impair how we feel about ourselves and our relationships.  Amazing concept, isn't it?  I'm not usually intrigued by psychotherapy approaches, but this way of looking at people resonates with me as a lay person, and I think it's a very workable approach for helping parents avoid reproducing their life traps in their children, as well as generally helping people suffering with their life traps.

I'm not a professional in this field and the above is just my personal understanding of the approach, so if you are interested in hearing from the professionals, you can read more about schema therapy from its founder, Dr. Jeffrey Young, at http://www.schematherapy.com/ or, if you are in Singapore, come to the sessions at Central Christian Church (http://www.seachurches.org/new_website/.)

"Pushing" Sixty

Bedok Reservoir, Singapore

The usual meaning for "pushing" an age is that you  are close to becoming that age.  As we enjoy the last year of our 50s, I have a new definition:  push the limits for that age - push yourself to break the mental and physical barriers assigned to that age.  Randy and I don't feel the age we are, and we probably don't act the age we are, so why comply with societal perceived age limits?

Last night at sunset, we once again joined our friends for a walk/run around Bedok Reservoir (photo above.)  It was gorgeous!  This reservoir located in eastern Singapore, was completed in 1986 when the Sungei Seletar was dammed at the site of a former sand quarry and a borrow pit for the Bedok Waterworks.  A wide gravel pathway runs the entire perimeter of the reservoir, amidst lush trees, a tree-top challenge course, a great fishing pier, and other amenities., including lighting.  I only committed to walking the perimeter twice, as I am about a month behind the others in training, but Randy was awesome,  making it three times around (12.9 km or 8.2 miles!)  Our younger and more fit friends did an astounding four loops, but we also heard a lot of groans and moans as we got out of the taxi back at home.

Bukit Timah Nature Reserve

Monkey Outside Bukit Timah Reserve

Last Saturday a group of us decided to hike around Bukit Timah Nature Reserve and rainwater catchment area.  It contains about 160 ha (400 acres) of pristine rainforest and is home to a huge variety of plants, some of which are found only here.  When one is here, you can hardly believe you are only a short distance from a vibrant and busy metropolis.  The preserve is also home to over 500 species of animals, incluidng long-tailed macaques or monkeys, of which this little lady is one.  (She calmly sat on the walkway as we passed by.)  We didn't get a chance to see any of the flying lemurs or squirrels, but some ran across one ant variety that is over an inch long! 

It's very impressive how land has been saved in several areas like this to preserve a piece of Singapore's history and more importantly, protect so many species of flora and fauna that otherwise would disappear under the concrete and stone of Singapore developments.  So often in the morning, as I open the windows of our flat, I have to close them again until the smoke from the fires of Indonesian rainforest burnings has cleared.  When you see the poverty of these lands, you can understand the desire to do what it takes to make money to survive.  In our own country, we Americans did similar damage to so much of our land (and still we continue).  There just wasn't anyone to say "Stop!  You don't know what long-term damage you are doing to the environment."  It hurts me to realize the ecological damage that is being done there and other developing areas in Asia, but we certainly cannot point fingers too strongly.  Near our own Mullhaven, there are two place called Alpha and Omega Diggings that look like the moon, they are so damaged from the water cannons used over 150 years ago during the gold rush.

The Work of One's Life

From where does peace come?  As I walk the crowded streets of Singapore, I see people who are healthy, well dressed, fair of face, and full of intention as they walk.  But what is their direction?  I also see strain and in some, a look of desperation.

I love this country and its people, but I worry about the extent of Western culture on its development, particularly its societal values.  Singapore has much of which to be proud.  As I look over the City, it's hard to remember this tiny country is only 45 years old.  It contains architectural buildings of extraordinary beauty and its fountains and gardens delight the eye in every direction.  The health care is of such a high level that "medical tourism" is a real phenomenon.  It hurts my local pride to admit it, but I feel significantly safer here than in many places in the San Francisco Bay Area.  The cleanliness and efficiency of its public transportation system are not to be believed.  And finally, its cultural history is diverse and rich like a fine California cabernet, to be sniffed and sipped and savored to get the fullness of its delights.

The trap I see, is unbridled consumerism - desire without purpose, buying without cause, development without balance.  To say that shopping is a large part of Singaporean culture is like saying Hoosiers are partial to basketball or Italians are fond of soccer.  America has fallen victim to its success in this way.  We spent generations toiling to raise our own standard of living, and once we had what most countries envy, we continued on, devolved that nation-building urge into a lust for the largest flat panel TV screen or luxury car or designer purse to "complete" us.  We left our first love somewhere on the path to success and all our belongings in the bulging closets of our bloated single-family estates will never fill the emptiness inside us.  If we are not acting from a core of fulfillment, knowing we have a purpose and we are doing the work we were born to do, all the things we buy, the worldly successes we pile up, will become ashes in our mouths and screaming emptiness in our hearts.

I just pray that our hard-working brothers and sisters in Singapore can take the time to learn from our mistakes, remembering the values of their heritage so they can find balance between national growth and personal fulfillment.

Deja Vu

Is deja vu life's way of telling you you're exactly where you are supposed to be?  (I'm quoting the latest episode of "Lost.")  You know that unsettling little event when you know without a doubt what is going to happen or what someone is going to say (including yourself) a split second before it happens.  You get that  momentary disorientation, then a real spine shiver if you dwell on it. 

A Buddhist might revise the above definition to "you're exactly where you keep ending up because you  haven't learned to move on."  As for myself, I appreciate the concept of grace.  I don't really want to depend wholly on myself to figure out this universe or base my chance at nirvana (or heaven) on how well I do alone.  

I have had so many instances of deja vu in my life, that I can't help but have my own theory.  I think it is a little nudge, whether it be from within yourself or from a beneficent outside source telling you to wake up!  Look around at what is happening RIGHT NOW with your life.  It's important!  Whether you need to actually do something different in the next five minutes or you need to just be more aware of the moment, is something a person has to determine for oneself.

Addictive Television Shows

Have you found yourself impatiently waiting for the next episode of a television show?  It seems as if writers are getting a lot better at designing shows that make it impossible to stop watching.  Whatever the reason, to miss a weekly episode of such offerings as "Fringe" or the new "Heroes" means you have missed vital information and will be "Lost" for the rest of the season (pun intended.)  Not being one who remembers what network, let alone what channel carries a particular show, I am grateful that my spouse is so handy at recording these offerings so we can view them in their proper order when we are ready.

What is Mullhaven?

Mullhaven Drive - July 2010

First of all, it's the name of our family retreat high in the Sierra Nevadas of Northern California:  Mull (family name; means "mountain") + Haven (shelter; place of safety).   Further,  it's a state of mind that no matter where the Mulls are, we are centered and at peace.  Not a bad place to be!

We bought this property in 1989, when we gave up camping at Bullard's Bar Reservoir because of its "improvements."  We were sad to leave our favorite fishing holes of fat bluegill, but it was a blessing in disguise.  This timber land has tested and defined us in our attempts to be good stewards.